A COMPARISON OF ASSERTIVE, AGGRESSIVE, PASSIVE AND 

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOUR

PASSIVE         AGGRESSIVE       PASSIVE     ASSERTIVE

                            AGGRESSIVE

BEHAVIOUR self-denying expressive(at indirect honest and

Avoids conflict the expense of         avoids direct

Allows other to others         confronting willing to 

choose creates conflict         real issue         compromise

Neglects own chooses for allows others makes

Needs others to choose, but choices for

Intimidated by insensitive to lets then know self

Others other’s feelings         objections         considers

        And wishes sarcastic and other’s rights

        Intimidates cynical respectful of

        Others punishes         others and 

                Other self

FEELINGS frustrated         righteous         resentful         feels good

Anxious         hostile feels         about self

Hurt         superior         vindicated

Resentful         guilty later (when obtains

Inferior         (sometimes) revenge )

RESULTS does not         achieves goal does not         may achieve

achieve         by hurting usually desired goal

desired goal others achieve goals satisfying and

victim for         alienates         relationships caring

aggressor         others deteriorates relationships

relationship

Deteriorates

FEELINGS OF pity,irritation hurt confusion                 respect,feels

  OTHERS humiliated frustration                 valued

INVOLVED defensive feels

        Angry manipulated

POSITION I’m not O.K.         I’m O.K. I’m not O.K.         I’m O.K

You’re O,K,       You’re not You’re not               You’re O.K

        O.K. O.K.

ANGER STYLES

MANAGING

Do you “manage” your anger? ______

Do you allow anger to mobilize you in positive directions?_____

OPEN,HONEST AND DIRECT EXPRESSION is the most effective way of managing anger.

Easier said than done, huh? When expressing anger directly, keep these important skills in mind….

Remind yourself that anger is a normal, human emotion--- it’s OK to feel angry!

Before open, honest and direct expRession, evaluate the following--

What was the trigger event?    Is this good timing for the listener?

Set a specific time limit for anger discussion.

Remember your body language-----

Firm voice----moderate tone---- direct eye contact-----

Maintain personal “space” --- establish an even eye level with the listener

Don’t attack or blame the person.

Focus on the specific behaviour that triggered your anger.

Avoid black and white thinking.( “You never……”).

Instead, “I’d prefer that……, then I would feel……”

Use     “I” statements.

‘I” feel angry when……”    “I” feel angry that…….”

Avoid statements/actions that you’ll regret later.

Don’t drag in old issues now.

Check for possible compromises.

After open, honest and direct expression, close the discussion, and then move on!

When it’s over, pat yourself on the back for your assertiveness!

Say to yourself “I ( and perhaps the people around me) will be better off in the long run!”

NOW say to yourself----

“ By managing my anger I took an important step in improving my sense of well-being!”